by Sibongile Thwala | May 30, 2021 | Books
It’s interesting to learn more about psychology. That’s the same comment I had about the book The Silent Patient even though it’s a completely different genre- psychological thriller, fiction. Both books touched on countertransference. and projective identification.
I get so elated when Lori makes reference to topics I’ve studied in my psychology modules. Makes me feel we’re on the same page and I might be taking a break from formal education but life is sorting out my informal education.
I can’t explain it as well as Lori so you need to read for yourself where she talks about relationships and having a ‘type’. “but the unconscious has a finely tuned radar system inaccessible to the conscious mind”
If you work through your feelings your type will change.
I think therapy is so important and beneficial but I know not everyone has access, courage or interest to go. This book is therapeutic in a sense if you take the time to reflect and think about your own life, people in your own life and situations. This book is helping me to analyse myself and others and be more compassionate.
I like that she became a therapist after trying two other careers. It gives me hope for my future and my winding route.
Therapists are also human – they have problems in their lives and with their children.
They also have their struggles. They don’t have the answers. They hold your hand through the process- let you have a connection with someone. You have all the answers. You are the expert on you.
Reading is an activity that really gets you to focus on one thing at a time which magically brings to mind every other thing to do with what you’re reading. An example is this book talks about creativity and so does The Artist’s Way. Even videos I’ve been watching seem to unintentionally revolve around this topic of creativity. I’ve been blogging and that is a channel that allows me to express myself.
I’m learning so many words- binary, perseverating, kismet, vasculitis, non sequitur, rapprochement, maladorous.. surprisingly googling all these new terms isn’t annoying but tons more interesting.
Lori is obviously an excellent and experienced writer. Her word choice and storytelling ability is almost rhythmic or hypnotic like a choir master. My mind and emotions were ebbing and flowing as she directed. Lori has had so many wonderful experiences, many of us can only dream of.
Her dream and determination are inspiring. She shares solid wisdom from her experience.
At first the book was amazing but a third of the way I started to get bored. I usually read fiction so it makes sense that I would struggle through some parts. This is a book not to be rushed but mulled over. Kinda therapeutic. Gives insight. There are no exercises in the book but you do need to take time to reflect and apply some of the content in bettering your life and relationships.
Here are many quotes from the book that I didn’t want to forget:
“Nothing is more desirable than to be released from an affliction, but nothing is more frightening than to be divested of a crutch.” —James Baldwin
“We can’t have change without loss, which is why so often people say they want change but nonetheless stay exactly the same.”
Flannery O’Connor quote: “The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.”
“People want to be understood and to understand, but for most of us, our biggest problem is that we don’t know what our problem is. We keep stepping in the same puddle. Why do I do the very thing that will guarantee my own unhappiness over and over again?”
“Anger is the go-to feeling for most people because it’s outward-directed—angrily blaming others can feel deliciously sanctimonious. But often it’s only the tip of the iceberg, and if you look beneath the surface, you’ll glimpse submerged feelings you either weren’t aware of or didn’t want to show: fear, helplessness, envy, loneliness, insecurity. And if you can tolerate these deeper feelings long enough to understand them and listen to what they’re telling you, you’ll not only manage your anger in more productive ways, you also won’t be so angry all the time.”
“We feel completely stuck, trapped in our emotional cells, but there’s a way out—as long as we’re willing to see it.”You are your own jailer.
Follow your envy—it shows you what you want.
“Avoidance is a simple way of coping by not having to cope.”
“We can’t convince people not to be self-destructive, because for now, the self-destruction serves them.”
We may want others’ forgiveness, but that comes from a place of self-gratification; we are asking forgiveness of others to avoid the harder work of forgiving ourselves.”
“There’s no hierarchy of pain. Suffering shouldn’t be ranked, because pain is not a contest.”
“It wasn’t their judgment she was hearing—it was her own.”
To be honest this book was hard to finish. It was too long. I forced myself though because I didn’t want to lose out on any wisdom. I think another round of editing would have done it good.
Informative. It’s a rare and special experience to be the fly on the wall.
I still want to be the fly on the wall on Esther Perel’s podcast of real-life couple’s therapy sessions.
7/10
by Sibongile Thwala | Mar 24, 2021 | Books
I kept seeing this book pop up on my feeds. There were many discussions and controversy about it that it piqued my interest even more.
I like the premise of the power of education to empower a person, and Tara’s life being the empirical proof of it.
I was only weary about reading it because of the abuse element but when a friend (Thank you Michelle) offered to borrow it to me I couldn’t refuse and now I can form my own opinion.
Tara’s father is so ridiculous that it’s funny till I remember it’s actually horrific. I guess we can always find humour in any situation. There are surprisingly many twisted comedic scenes in this book. It’s interesting how many people put up with his madness- kindly even. How many families are tormented by undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. Tara’s father was crazy but so loving and worked hard for his family.
I googled raccoon eyes and what a terrifying image. I can’t comprehend that someone would go through that and not consult a medical professional.
If I say Tara’s life is crazy; she could equally say the same to me. How we’re raised becomes our norm and is hard to come out from because it’s all we know. It’s so deeply ingrained and becomes our truth and the typical person won’t deviate from it.
“In that moment I hated him, and I wanted to scream it in his face.. Even then I understood the truth of it: that Shawn hated himself far more than I ever could.”
Nobody is entirely bad. I have compassion for Gene and Shawn even though they’re actions are inexcusable.
Tara’s grandmother and brother believed in her and wanted her to take the step to change her life. She had to make the decision and she did so when she was ready. People helped her along her journey by way of opportunity, kindness and inclusion.
Tara’s unusual upbringing actually allowed her to learn many skills and grow up in a way we in the “system” can’t. She learned through a form of self-led homeschooling. She learned scrapping, midwifery, herbalism, dancing, acting, singing, cooking, breaking horses, taking care of the animals, bookkeeping, construction…
“Mother stopped crying. She was embarrassed. Tyler was an outsider now. He’d been gone for so long, he’d been shifted to that category of people who we kept secrets from. Who we kept this from.”
This quote stood out to me. About how shame and secrets keep us from being authentic in the relationships we crave and need.
This is a book to be read more than once because some things you can only understand the second time you read it and others the third and… There is a lot to unpack in it from a psychological standpoint. Even the characters are to this day conflicted over it, their memories, their interpretation of their memories, their beliefs and each other.
Interesting, shocking and perplexing read.
7/10
by Sibongile Thwala | Mar 14, 2021 | Books
I had to read this so I could be on my “the book was much better” high horse when watching it on Netflix.
It was initially tricky to keep track of so many characters but I enjoyed rapidly going back and forth between them. This book was quite a thrilling ride. Superbly enthralling from beginning to end. I can’t say much because I don’t want to give anything away. This is a book to be experienced.
This book is very gripping! Short chapters that keep you hooked. I loved the futuristic concept. A simple DNA test matches you to the love of your life. Isn’t that the dream? What could go wrong? (Insert evil villain maniacal laugh.)
So many twists and turns I didn’t see coming. Suspense, sci-fi, romance, crime, mystery, drama, humour- a little something for everyone.
John Marrs’ writing is so imaginative and unpredictable. Really ingenious. I’m nervous about reading more of his books in fear that they aren’t as phenomenal as this one. This just blew my mind. I can’t rave enough about this book.
“Sometimes, the grass is not greener on the other side, and we should stay in the field where we belong. And sometimes we just need to take a gamble and hope for the best.”
So many characters and so many grim endings. Sigh. I like happy endings that’s the only reason I didn’t give 10 stars but rather 9,5/10.
by Sibongile Thwala | Mar 13, 2021 | Books
“That was the thing about best friends. Like sisters and mothers, they could piss you off and make you cry and break your heart, but in the end, when the chips were down, they were there, making you laugh even in your darkest hours. ”
I got drawn into this book immediately. It had me looking back at my life- my family, my friendships. I could really feel for both Tully and Katie.
“It’s never good to sit around and wait for someone of something to change your life.”
I love Tully’s ambition. I want to be that passionate about something. I am much more like Kate in not knowing what I want to do.
“I guess no one stays friends for more than thirty years without broken hearts along the way.”
Their friendship is beautiful but also unhealthy- codependent.
The story was very well paced, interesting and it took me on an emotional journey. It had me thinking about friends I’ve lost and friends I still have and parental and parenting issues.
The book touches on depression but leaves it hanging when it moves on to cancer.
“When you get . . . to the end, you see that love and family are all there is. Nothing else matters.”
Your grandmother told me I’d know you were sorry for those years before you did, and she was right. I know you regret some of the things you said to me, as I regret my own words. None of that matters, though. I want you to know that. I love you and I know you love me.
The book covered a bit of everything that could happen in a lifetime. I didn’t see the end coming so it caught me off guard.
I like that the author used her platform to raise awareness about IBC.
I would have rated the book higher but I think the rape and depression should have been covered more. I also want to know what happens with Cloud. Do Johnny and Tully get together? I find joy in books having conclusions.
Brilliant book though.
The story on Netflix has been changed quite a bit so I can’t even compare it to the book but I’m enjoying being surprised and not knowing what’s going to happen.
9/10
by Sibongile Thwala | Mar 13, 2021 | Books
I got sucked in from page 1. Some might think it cheesy but I was grinning from ear-to-ear being a fly on the wall in the elevator and reading Drew’s and Alexa’s texts. Such a wonderful setting- interracial attraction, wedding, successful professionals.. All the good feels.
It got a bit high schooly / childish – all the doubt does he/she like me and not communicating. Silly fights. It started to drag around halfway. Repetitive. Back and forth.
This book has some humour and emphasis on safe sex which is exemplary and real.
This may be a random comment but I really really really liked that there was no cooking or cleaning or any domestic activities expected of Alexa.
Overall a pleasant read. It’s nice to read something light-hearted by a black woman. Representation is incredibly important.
6/10
by Sibongile Thwala | Mar 13, 2021 | Books
The book started off quite slow. Instead of keeping me up at night it was putting me to sleep. Yawn. It is very V-E-R-Y slooooooooooOOOOOOOOoooooow and loOOOOOooooOOOOng.
I’m not much fan of historical settings so the flashbacks to 1700 were an awful drag.
The book made me think of the things we are so privileged to be able to take for granted.
“Ideas are so much wilder than memories, that they long and look for ways of taking root.”
This suggests that our ideas have value and what a loss to the world if we do not share them. Even if they are not immediately acknowledged there may come a time when they are needed and actioned.
“Palimpsest-the idea of the past blotted out, written over by the present,”
Lovely thought that resonates with the psychologist, Benjamin Hardy’s explanation of our past only having the meaning we assign to it in the present. So we can change our interpretation of the past and our future by our actions in the present.
I kept reading the book because of the rave reviews so I wanted to experience what the fuss was about. The introduction of Henry at least made the book come alive. These are some Henry thoughts that made me feel like he was in my mind:
“Henry wonders, as they wait in the queue, if some people have natural style, or if they simply have the discipline to curate themselves every day.”
I still wish looking good was flawless but to me it feels like working a second job.
“Henry Strauss has never been a morning person.
He wants to be one, has dreamed of rising with the sun, sipping his first cup of coffee while the city is still waking, the whole day ahead and full of promise.
He’s tried to be a morning person, and on the rare occasion he’s managed to get up before dawn, it was a thrill: to watch the day begin, to feel, at least for a little while, like he was ahead instead of behind. But then a night would go long, and a day would start late, and now he feels like there’s no time at all. Like he is always late for something.”
I could super relate to this. I could not have said it better myself. I’m often running around like a headless chicken as if I didn’t know I was going to work. As if caught by surprise. As if it’s an emergency but that’s not true at all.
“Henry loves his sister, he does. But Muriel’s always been like strong perfume.
Better in small doses. And at a distance.”
He is hilarious.
“You’re halfway through school, paralyzed by the idea that whatever you choose to do, it means choosing not to do a hundred other things, so you change your major half a dozen times before finally ending up in…”
“His brother, David, was the one who told him that. David, the doctor, who’s known what he wanted to be since he was ten years old. Easy to stay on the path when the road is straight and the steps are numbered.”
“I see someone lost, and hungry. The kind of person who feels like they’re wasting away in a world full of food, because they can’t decide what they want.”
Henry struggles with lack of purpose and direction. There should have been a TW because the depiction of depression got a tad bit too real.
“He always liked learning. Loved it, really. If he could have spent his whole life sitting in a lecture hall, taking notes, could have drifted from department to department, haunting different studies, soaking up language and history and art, maybe he would have felt full, happy”
“Teaching is an extension of learning, a way to be a perpetual student.”
I wonder why only a god of darkness answered Addie; why didn’t the gods of day answer. I would have liked this to be explored a little bit.
She lived over 300 years. It would have been great to live more through her- historical events, places to travel, inventions, things she could have learned… It would have been thrilling to see Addie actually being a spy. Then there would have been some action. Not much happened in this book. So much more could have happened. Come on! The most exciting thing for her was seeing elephants.
I’m in awe that Addie didn’t give up. She kept going even after 300 years.
I enjoyed seeing Addie reflected in art over 300 years- different periods and styles.
“No way to think in days or weeks when she lives in moments. Time begins to lose its meaning—and yet, she has not lost track of time. She cannot.”
“Freedom is a pair of trousers and a buttoned coat.
A man’s tunic and a tricorne hat.
If only she had known.
The darkness claimed he’d given her freedom, but really, there is no such thing for a woman, not in a world where they are bound up inside their clothes, and sealed inside their homes, a world where only men are given leave to roam.”
Even today we need to keep ourselves prisoner in our homes and we still feel unsafe. GBV and patriarchy are pandemics which are not being adequately addressed.
“He softens more at the sound of his native tongue, and she understands. She can speak German, Italian, Spanish, Swiss, but French is different, French is bread baking in her mother’s oven, French is her father’s hands carving wood, French is Estele murmuring to her garden.
French is coming home.”
This reminds me of the quote by Nelson Mandela that when you speak a man’s home language you speak directly to his heart as opposed to his intellect.
“I suppose I prefer my freedom to my reputation.”
I like that the LGBTQ themes weren’t forced down our throats. They were brought in in a casual way.
“But he doesn’t ask.
Because in the end, it doesn’t matter.
The fog twists across her vision. And he knows that, whoever she sees, it isn’t him.
It never was.
It never will be.
So he lets her go.”
Sometimes you don’t get closure or what you want. You just have to accept that and move on.
I thought the book was about her being in love with the devil but that only comes up right at the end and isn’t even what we’re made to think. The ending went off on a tangent. I wonder if they intend to make a sequel.
I loathe giving negative reviews especially when I can tell a lot of work went into the book but it honestly wasn’t my cup of tea.
6/10
